Daring to Stop
Dear Ones,
About six years ago when my grandson was at almost 3 was diagnosed with autism I went to spend 3 challenging years helping to find a way to reach him and build a bridge between his world and ours. I wanted to learn what we were all called to learn on our journey with him.
Even autism comes bearing gifts. They may be hidden and challenging, but they are there. My time with Brody strengthened and expanded me in so many ways and made me a better human, more patient and compassionate, and yet in other ways the demands of the journey were too much for me to carry since I had put giving before receiving for too long.
Eventually my own health caved. This was frustrating when the needs were so great. I became more of a liability than an asset to the situation, and I returned to my beloved Port Townsend to heal and renew, only to slide further down the slippery slope. Gut related stuff persisted. Vascular stuff was a surprise. Two surgeries over the next year+ made it a slow up-hill challenge. I found it all but impossible to balance work with my own well-being, as much as I love all that I do.
Hopefully it is true that we teach best what we most need to learn, for I have been given invitation after invitation that I ignored and am now willing to focus more on and learn about self-love… self care.
Gradually I have regained some energy, but so far not back to full steam. It is said that something already in motion more easily stays in motion, and yet it has been necessary for me to take it slow as much as I want to go fast. At first I struggled to accept this, resisting the Universe’s request to sit still. We think our worth is measured and bills are paid by our ‘doingness,’ not my stillness. And yet my body was making it almost impossible for me to move forward. I was being called to find a way to love ‘what is’ and take my ability to self-love, something I had neglected, to another level.
Regardless of my impatience to ‘get on with it,’ last March I began to experience vertigo. Really? Yep. Migraines. Imbalance. A healing loss. Difficulties with my eyes. Reading and time on the computer are still difficult. Some days I can walk in a straight line and other days I hug the walls for support. It has been an interesting process of learning how to not just slow down, but STOP when all I wish I could do is move forward. Contrary to the way I think should be, I am called to find the patience to lean how to RECEIVE rather than give for awhile.
“But, I HAVE TO work!” that loud voice inside my head would scream. Who am I if I am not THAT… the writer, speaker, author, spiritual solo-preneur and teacher, life pioneer and mentor-caregiver? I have certainly chased for a solution to no avail, so what would happen if I just sat and waited for an answer to appear?
Okay, Universe. I have tried to listen. I have slowed down, but have ‘cheated’ to keep up with the basic schedule of my work. Try as I may, it has been difficult to work with the world spinning and eyes not consistently cooperating.
As many women are, I was taught that it is valiant to push through. Religion reinforced that it was our duty to put the needs of others before our own. Our own health came last. I was taught that my body was a tool, a vehicle used to fulfill what my ego felt compelled to do to maintain control, usually to live up to the expectations of others, ignoring the personal whispers and dreams from within.
At my core the real questions began to percolate up. “Who am If I dare to stop?” “Would the earth fall off it’s axis, would I really starve, or would I have to live in a cardboard box if I trusted that guidance would come from my heart rather than from my head?”
“What’s the worst that could happen if I were to honor my body, weed out limiting beliefs, and dare to live guided by my intuition, rather than continue to push on through?” This feels so difficult to do in a world where success is measured by money and time, and yet the confusing truth is that we will die if we don’t surrender to the grace of living wholeheartedly.
Louise Hay offers possible insights to the metaphysical meaning of ailments to try on. (http://tinyurl.com/ldex9xy ). As I attempted to decipher the messages my body was offering, I imagined my vertigo was inviting me to put a new ‘spin’ on life and surrender control. My eyes are telling me that it is essential to see from a new vantage point. The ringing in my ears calls me to listen more deeply and in a new way. My wobbly body demands that I rediscover and honor my core need for balance, loving my body more gently while embracing my intuition. My spirit is inviting me (with a sense of humor I might add) to see that joy transcends circumstances, and my bank account invites me to trust that all is well regardless of how things might appear.
It doesn’t make sense, but apparently the Universe doesn’t seem to think that is a requirement. Like it or not I am meant to STOP for a bit, and even be willing to let it all go! We hang on to the form of what is familiar and predictable even if broken for the illusion of security, but on some level I get that control is the illusion and the circumstances don’t matter. Most important is the grace with which I maneuver and embrace the journey, trusting that miracles are around every corner rather than being allow myself to be immobilized by fear.
Can I not only accept it with all my judgments and resistance, but let those go in order to fully allow ‘what is’? Can I assume something wonderful will grow out of the darker moments, and dare to press the PAUSE button, unapologetically, without defending, resisting or judging? Can I reveal my vulnerability in hopes that it will eventual transform to courage?
Yes. Apparently.
So, dear ones, I have given myself from now until Christmas not only STOP, but LET GO, move slower, and respond to the inner whispers even if they don’t make satisfactory sense. I will let my spiritual path take the lead. I will allow myself to surrender my schedule for newsletters and mentoring unless spirit and energy partner and guide me to share them.
Here’s a big one! I will dare to be irresponsible and even a disappointment, and even disliked. Isn’t that what many of us are afraid of? Deep down I believe that all that will happen if I miss a newsletter deadline or two!
For the next little while (and perhaps longer) I will focus primarily on my health, and even play hooky from time to time. I am choosing to practice listening with greater attention to the needs of my body and my soul, rather than empower my mind’s chatter. I will honor my eyes when they say I have had enough time on the computer or reading. I will walk, do Tai Chi, meditate and embrace the fall and winter coming all too soon as a precious time to listen to my inner guidance system for the next steps. I will remain open to the possibility that it will lead into an unforeseen direction. And, I will do my best to set fear at the door, choosing to experience all of the flutters and doubts as excitement instead. And, if I get a clear nudge or insight…
“I reserve the right to change my mind at any given time for no apparent reason!”
— Author unknown.
Intimacy, IN-TO-ME-SEE will come first as bet I can I will bring you along on my journey. I will share my process as honestly as I can, because I know I am not the only woman who hits a place on their path where you can’t, for whatever reason, take one more step in your current direction. The trick is to see this as a good thing, a gift, rather than an obstacle, even when the path is uncertain. Good things are sure to be revealed.
How about for you. Where are you on your own spiritual journey?
Bless us all. Consciously evolving women are the most amazing, courageous, and valuable treasures, and I know that by honoring ourselves and daring to reveal and be congruent with who we really are, this is how we will make the most meaningful difference in the world.
Joy-FULLY,
P.S. I always welcome comments! http://centerofhappiness.com/contact-me/
If you feel this newsletter would make the road of life a bit easier for another, please pass along. Invite all your family and friends to sign up for my newsletter by visiting http://www.centerofhappiness.com. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]
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